It is about how ‘you’ have that tough conversation
Interesting! Tough conversations are part of being a manager, if you don’t tell people how they’re doing, what they could do better, then you are allowing them to fail. Yet so often we see managers trying to ‘steel’ themselves and go into ‘tough’ mode, which may not be their best approach. All the books and training courses say, ‘this is how you should have a difficult conversation,’ taking no account of this person’s or that person’s personality. So, then it can become a case of “do I go in hard or not do it at all,” a binary question to which the answer is “neither.” Every manager has to have open and honest conversations, it’s part of the job, but they don’t have to be harsh or one-sided, and they have to do it in a way that comes most naturally to them.
It is to help someone improve
So, what is it you are trying to achieve? Beat up on someone, probably not. Show how tough you are, not really. You are trying to help someone who is either not performing, or needs to be guided, or is doing stuff that they are unaware of. No one wants to do a bad job, not really, but sometimes they don’t know what ‘good’ looks like, or even what the impact is of their current behaviours. Then the starting point should become, “I want to help them,” that you’d like to work with them to improve, that your intent is positive. With this intent as a starting point, it suddenly becomes far easier, a chance to provide honest feedback, a coaching conversation, a way of helping one of your team out of a difficult place, an opportunity to help them grow and develop; who wouldn’t want to do that?
Different strokes for different folks
Next, you have to do this in a way that works for you, and that works for the team member you’re feeding back to. What are they like as an individual, what demotivates them, what would get them onside with the feedback, how will you have to adapt your behaviour? This is why ‘The Acme Book of Giving Feedback’ doesn’t work, because it focuses on ‘technique’ rather than behaviours, ‘Noddy Goes to Feedback Town,’ and we all follow the same approach and it rarely works. So, the first rule of thumb is to understand yourself, your own personality and then think about the team member receiving the feedback, how do they best take in information, are they defensive, or emotional, or withdrawn, or whatever in such situations? And what about you, perhaps you prefer freewheeling, a more unstructured approach, but does that work for that person? Just thinking these things through will help you get it right and also build a picture up of each of your team as individuals, what they contribute, what are they good or not so good at, all of which helps you become a better manager.
Facts not feelings
If you are to give feedback that will work, it needs to be factual, with examples. Telling someone they have a poor attitude might make sense to you, like “I have told them,” but what have you told them? What if they ask you what an attitude is? So it should be issues that can be described, what is it they are doing that they should not be, what is it they are not doing that they should be, asking why they think that is and then helping them find a solution that works for them and you. This is not the happy-clappy version, this approach allows everyone, whatever their personality type, to provide feedback that is clear and understood.
Impact and consequence
Next it’s not just what they do, or don’t do, it’s explaining the impact and consequence. For example, they ask someone to work on a Saturday, then forget to thank them. The impact? They do not feel valued. The consequence? Try asking the person to work on a Saturday again!
So it’s not just about the issue, it is about providing a fuller context so that the other person understands the full implications. Super simple example: “Every time you leave that cupboard door open, people have to close it for you. They tell me they feel that you are taking them for granted. And they are saying they don’t want to work with you again.” You see how this works?
The Solution
Flagging issues up to team members is great, but it’s like telling someone they are ugly, they think “yes but what can I do about it?” So, help them, ask if they realised, make some suggestions as to how to correct the behaviour. Sometimes it is self-evident, “close the cupboard,” build a checking mechanism in, make sure you remember, but some issues are more complex, poor quality (do they know what ‘good’ looks like?) dominating meetings, (do they realise they are doing it and how it is leaving other people feeling?), not contributing at all, (which creates a void into which people place their own views, “He is lazy,” “He doesn’t want to be here,” “He hates me”) you get how this works now.
Summary
Management is a people game and a contact sport, and sometimes we forget that. And people are complex and have their own foibles and so, just like a chemist who needs to understand their raw materials, you need to understand yours, your people.
Photo by Jaco Pretorius on Unsplash